Panama's "Montauk Monster"

THE REPORT:
Panama is the most recent recipient of a monster report! The hairless and bloated monster with hooked claws discovered in Panama is being called: astounding, superb, incredible, and mostly a sloth. Three teens from Cerro Azul in Northern Panama reportedly spotted the creature sauntering along by a cave and were frightened by its approach. What the teens did next was understandable. What is the first logical thing to do when approached by a cute, bald, skinny creature which may be the greatest discovery in all cryptozoology history? Beat it to death with sticks, of course. In a sad display of delinquent angst, the teens attacked the creature with sticks and threw its corpse into a pool of water (to return later, of course with a camera to take pictures).


















The story is that the adorable creature shown above (which looks remarkably like ET) made the kids fear for their lives and so they took autoritative action immediately to prevent what would likely have been another "Godzilla in Tokyo" situation for the helpless residents of Panama. I suppose we'll never really know what it was now, will we...

Most viewers and expert cryptozoologists say that the creature is no more than a sloth which somehow lost its fur (used too much nair?). The hooked claws on its hands and the body structure seem to support this claim. As punishment for their killing the cryptid, it is my decree that the teens should be forced to watch videos like this one all day long to make them feel like shit for the rest of eternity:



MY OPINION:
My opinion on this was probably clear throughout this post. It makes me sick when people abuse animals (especially ones which could have led to scientific discoveries). What was probably just a curious animal is now a rotting corpse because some teens were bored and had nothing better to do than kill a defenseless creature. And I don't believe a word about them being scared for their lives. Sloths are practically the slowest land mammal in existence (ie. you can outrun a sloth).

SOURCES:
popfi.com
telegraph.co.uk

The Latest Update in Bigfoot Lore

The Report:
Kenny Mahoney, a humble gardener living in Jefferson County, Kentucky, reports to have caught the fabled Bigfoot on camera. As possibly the most frequently sighted cryptid in the world, Bigfoot has a reputation in Kentucky, albeit closer to the Appalachian Mountains of Northern Kentucky.

Mahoney had an issue. His garden of green beans were repeatedly found trampled and dessicated presumably by the wildlife in the area. Mahoney says that he was "determined to catch the culprit", and so placed a motion-detecting camera just outside the garden to see what was going on. When he showed the tape to reporters, it showed the usual pests of Kentucky, including raccoons, rabbits, squirrels, and a large dark figure about 50 yards away which stood over five feet tall and almost as wide. Take a look at the video for yourself:



But is it Bigfoot? There seem to be a lot of theories about what the camera could have caught, including a bear, a trash bag, and of course, a legendary Bigfoot. Lets examine this situation more closely...

My Opinion:
It always kills me to force logic on a situation which would be easy to believe, and I'm sure that a large bipedal hominid exists somewhere on Earth, but in my professional opinion, this simply isn't it. Think about it. Everyone wants to protect their garden from nasty scavengers, but honestly, who puts out a camera to find out what's going on out there? The first thing you would do is buy a picket fence for the garden. Knowing what's attacking your vegetables does little good whether its a squirrel or a raccoon. The approach is the same: buy a fence. Mahoney did not buy a fence, but instead put up a camera to catch what? If he knows all the wildlife in the area, he must have had some idea of what may have been attacking the vegetables. To me it sounds like he wouldn't put up a camera unless he was expecting to find something out of the ordinary. Hmmm... my hoax senses are tingling.

Secondly, I don't know about you, but this looks an awful lot like a trash bag to me, although a local expert on wildlife said she did not think so:

"Mahoney’s wife Margaret sent the photo to a wildlife expert who specializes in black bears. She said it looks like it is fur and not a trash bag, but still cannot confirm it is a bear."

As usual, there is only one fuzzy picture for reference which leaves a lot of things to wonder about such as: why are there not more pictures of the creature, why are there no tracks from such a massive creature, why are there no signs of undergrowth tramples where "Bigfoot" was standing, etc...

Another inconclusive, but interesting report. What do you think?

Sources:
popfi.com
cryptomundo.com

Arakan Forest Turtle Lost and Found

THE REPORT:
The extremely rare Arakan Forest Turtle which lives near Myanmar was thought extinct in the wild since 1908. Although some of the turtles were found in local food markets in 1994, its existence in the wild remained unsure. One possible cause for its extinction is that it was over hunted due to its value in medicinal recipes. Another possible culprit would be the extinction of the Sumatran rhino which was found in the area until about 1950. The turtles name in the native tongue (Pyant Cheezar) literally translates to: "Turtle that eats rhino feces" (see picture top right). Perhaps the elimination of one of its main food sources led to the turtle's near-demise.

But fear not, for five new specimens (14 living in captivity) were found in the Rakhine Yoma elephant wildlife sanctuary just months ago (May 2009) in the Arakan Hills just west of Myanmar. It is possible that the turtles have stumbled upon a new food source (elephant dung) and may be making a comback in the animal kingdom.

The fourteen are held in: Zoo Atlanta, the St. Louis Zoo, the Miami Metro Zoo, River Banks Zoo and Garden in Columbia, South Carolina, and Knoxville Zoo. The newest additions to the turtle family will remain in the Elephant sanctuary they were found in.

MY OPINION:
It's always amazing to discover that a species thought long-gone shows more resilience than you expected. It gives me more hope for wildlife as global warming continues to spike. All I can say is I feel sorry for the turtles who have to eat droppings all day. Oh well, they would probably look at my meatloaf and say the same thing. That is, if they could talk. Which they can't. Ah well, just give them another couple million years of evolution. It worked for the dinosaurs... sort of.

SOURCES:
Cryptomundo.com
Wikipedia.org
ARKive.org